I stand
I have never felt so alone. It is the sinking feeling that you get when the person you thought gets you, doesn’t. It informs me in a way that is almost impossible to describe with words.
We are undoubtedly products of our environment. What we think we know, is a direct result of what we have heard or been taught, and what our culture subliminally passes on to us. And we often accept what we have been taught, because well, why would it be a lie? So, we do not think to question these deeply held beliefs. We embrace them with fervor and zealousness and passion, and pass them on to the next generation. And we use them to form simplistic responses to complex questions. But worst of all, we demonize the brave few who dare to ask the question: really? Is that true? Who says? Prove it!
I am tired. And at times sad. And I want a friend to talk to, who is not mired in ignorance and stubborn reliance on unfounded teachings. Who is not steeped in religious deception, lack of knowledge, and a crippling inability to listen, or see past deeply held beliefs that are rooted in the systematic and successful denigration of a people.
But I would rather be alone, and tired, and brave enough to speak the truth as I see it, than continue to be swept away in a wave of religious bigotry.
And so it is that I have a choice: do I stand and fight, or do I retreat? I choose to stand, because standing will save my soul. And even if I stand alone, I still stand. Anything else will mean giving in, and I am done giving in.
“I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every moment holy.
I am too tiny in this world, and yet not tiny enough
just to lie before you like a thing,
shrewd and secretive.
I want my own will, and I want simply to be with my will,
as it goes toward action;
and in those quiet, sometimes hardly moving times,
when something is coming near,
I want to be with those who know secret things
or else alone…
I want to unfold.
I don’t want to stay folded anywhere,
because where I am folded, there I am a lie… (Rainer Maria Rilke)
Context is key!
Actions do not always speak louder than words. Sometimes context is important!! You telling me you love me while treating me like (feel free to insert your noun) is how actions speak louder than words. Me jumping off a building might look to you, the casual observer, like I’m trying to commit suicide; however, the person beside me, who knows me and knows my intention, will know that I am doing that one thing I swore I would never do – bungee jumping.
So before you rush to judgment, put your perspective in context. Maybe ask a few questions. Maybe wait a while for an explanation. Or maybe just give people the benefit of the doubt.
Positive Reality
It’s not that I am negative. I try to see the glass half full. And I am grateful for the blessings in my life. Good health, life, shelter, a job, healthy kids, etc. The problem is though, if the glass is empty, IT’S NOT HALF FULL!! I am a fan of reality. And the reality is, sometimes you just know the gig is up. And you’re mad that you have to stick it out a little longer. It’s just that simple. “Growth is painful, and so is change…but even worse is feeling as if you’re stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” And on top of that, having to be fake about being positive, and listen to the beaten to death advice of well-meaning but disconnected people. Just put on your game face. Don’t let the devil see you sweat. Just have faith. Or any number of stupid clichés that we tell ourselves and each other about our round the mountain situations. As if pretending will make it better, or different. Don’t you ever want to feel like you’re soaring? Like you’re totally in balance? Like you are doing exactly what you are meant to do? Don’t you ever want to break free of drudgery and explode with life?
You cannot change something until you acknowledge it. And acknowledging a problem does not mean you’re negative, or you’ve given up. It means you have acknowledged it. You are not afraid to face it. Or give it a name. It means looking at the glass, acknowledging that it is empty, figuring out where the hell the water is, and drop by drop, filling it up. So now, you don’t have to summon the draining energy that it takes to be positive all the time, because now you have a glass that is actually full. And if you keep adding drops, it might just overflow.
So to the millions of people who have ever felt stuck, here’s to you. Wiggle your way outta there. Don’t stop!! Remember to be grateful for what you have. That’s what will sustain you. But while you’re waiting, wiggle like hell. Pretty soon you’ll break free.
Let us pray…
I, like many of you, have been to many, many activities that never get officially underway until the prayer is said. From church events, to sporting events, to work events, to simple family events. Opening praying is a recognized, respected, and expected ritual. The prayers range from a raucous shout-fest (church events), or the overused but quieter “Father God in heaven…” (clucking of the tongue and all…). And the pray-er must, of necessity, morph into a different persona for effect. And I imagine this mostly happens because, well, people think that by praying they invite God’s presence. Which is fine. But newsflash: your very presence means God’s presence. Or it should. If you think that you need more than your own presence to be in God’s presence, then perhaps that is the issue. In fact, it might be a bigger issue than you realize. You thinking that God resides anywhere and everywhere else but within you, is you opening the door to manipulation, self-doubt, and lack of personal responsibility.
It’s not the prayer that bugs me, though. It’s the show. The routine. It’s the pretense that something is more than it is, deeper than it is. It’s you, depending on someone else to undo the mess you did to yourself all day, or all week, or whatever. The mess you created by rushing through your day, or your life. Going through the motions, as if in a fog. Never stopping to give pause to your mindless routine. And not stopping to honor your own presence, feel your own heartbeat, whisper your own prayer. Did you know that today was a cloudless day? If you didn’t look up, you missed it. And you can’t get it back.
So please, won’t you please, press pause! Breathe deeply. Pretty soon you will begin to understand that God is in the silence, and in the song. In the hug you give to your child, or the kind word you gave to your neighbour. God is in the prayer that is always on your lips, that is always in your heart.
So I said all that to say…
Of course opening prayer can bring the crowd to order, much the same way as the bailiff does when he says: “All Rise!” It sets the tone for the rest of the event. However, a prayer can look like a song, or music, or a word of inspiration; it can be a soft whisper, a head bowed in silence, or it can simply be you, being there. There is just no need for a show. Unless you want one, of course. In which case, go right ahead. But call a thing a thing.
Me 2.0
It occurred to me, the other day, that over the years I have suffered through the pain of several abandoned friendships; not many, but one would have been enough. I can count two. Oh the pain! And I have suffered through the pain of rejection and invisibility and and condescension. And inevitably, self-doubt. Not to wallow in self-pity or anything, because I’m pretty alright. But being that I am prone to constant self-analysis, I followed the thought. And it occurred to me that perhaps the reason other people abandoned me had nothing to do with me. But then I got to thinking, even if it did, I had already abandoned myself. My whole life, until fairly recently, was spent trying to be the avatar I had created in my own mind. That person was very well liked, very well respected, and had all the answers. She was nice to everyone, agreed with everyone, supported everyone, and smiled all the time. And whenever others were unkind to her, she made sure they knew she had forgiven them because, mean or not, she wanted them to like her. She was just so darned nice.
And I wondered, why? Why was it not enough that I was intelligent, talented and beautiful, kind, thoughtful, and all those wonderful, wonderful things that made me a good person? Why does anyone abandon herself? I believe, just a hunch, that I already felt abandoned. Not intentionally, but I did. Everyone deals with trauma differently, and I survived my own un-pleasantries by escaping to Pandora, that utopian place where my life was at peace, and all was well, and all the things that I wanted to be true were actually true. And before I knew it, I had left the real me back in the real world. The real me, with my real fears, my real questions, my real sadness, my real dreams, my real tears, and my real memories. And I created a veil to shield myself from the side effects of life.
Fast forward a couple decades, and here I am. Me 2.0. Able to look back and diagnose myself (thank God hindsight is 20-20). And heal myself. And free myself. Because no one can free you. No one could free me. I had to give myself permission to return to my own life, and live it.
I am grateful. That I got to push the reset button. That I get to live the life I was given. That I get to walk down this road. It’s beautiful, peaceful, uncrowded. Not noisy, sometimes lonely, occasionally cloudy, but mostly bright.
Religion and American Politics
Being a Christian is an unspoken rule, if you’re going to run for President of the United States of America. Any deviation from this, or even a suspicion of deviation, and all hell breaks loose (pardon the pun). But why? What makes Candidate Christian better than Candidate Other? What makes the one more qualified to be President than the other? Why do we consistently confuse religious values with American values. Because prejudice is in our DNA, and so is hypocrisy. It’s the reason a candidate like Bernie Sanders will have a fight because he doesn’t have any particular religious affiliation (an excellent quality, if you ask me); it’s the reason Hillary Clinton feels compelled to declare over and over again that she was raised a Methodist, and got her values from that type of upbringing. It’s the reason Barack Obama was almost nailed to the cross over the perception that he was Muslim. And it’s the reason Donald Trump is still in the race. It’s the pervasive trust/fear factor that is infused into not just elections, but everyday life. And everyday people, who live everyday lives, vote.
In America, land of the free and home of the brave; gold standard for democracy, free speech, religious freedom, and all manner of human rights (well, at least on paper it is), there is this little problem. The people. Ahh the people. We are a whole other story. Steeped in our rich tradition of contempt for diversity, a segregationist paradigm has shifted somewhat, morphed into a broader, more contemporary, yet covert version of itself – religious segregation. Because, oh I don’t know, maybe it’s more palatable these days to condemn people who don’t believe like we do than it is to condemn people who don’t look like we do. Maybe it makes us a little deeper, as in don’t judge a book by its cover (that is, color). But who knew? I suppose your religion (or lack thereof) says a lot more about you than your skin, so there.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I long to live in a country where people will not be judged by the color of their skin, or their religious affiliations, or their sexual orientation, or their financial status, or their political affiliation, or any of the million things that define us as individuals or groups, but by the content of their character. Waaaay in the recesses of my mind.
The courage to live
Life is not kind to the faint of heart. You MUST have courage. Courage to go where you want to go, say what you need to say, be who you’re meant to be. Because if not, you’ll find yourself pulled away from yourself, succumbing to the dogma of others, who themselves did not have the courage to find themselves.
And if people are not brave, bold, strong and determined, they become spectators in their own lives. And in doing so, they betray their own soul.
So take a breath if you need to; or take a few, and move forward.
Free From Fear
I talk about faith a lot. I guess it’s on my mind a lot because it was so much a part of my formative education. And I sometimes wonder what that early community would think of me now. Me 2.0. My stance (Church? No thanks). My journey (Religion? No thanks). What would they think? What would they say? And I imagine they would postulate and opine about how I have lost my faith, turned my back on God, or “forgotten my first love.” I can almost hear the sermon, feel the genuine concern. I can anticipate the discourse almost verbatim. In reality though, what they are saying is, “don’t take control of your own life, your own thoughts, your own beliefs, your own journey. Let us do that for you. We know what is good for you. Believe what we believe, and all will be well.” And they would say, of course, that they are praying for me (if it makes you feel better, be my guest). Well, I decided to take the red pill. And I was able to do so because of this one thing: my faith was never in the church, never in religion. It was always in God. So let there be peace. I have not lost my faith. What I have lost is my fear. Finally.
Man in the Mirror
What do you and I have in common? Our humanity. What Thich Nhat Hanh, Ellen Degeneres and Oprah Winfrey have in common? Their humanity. One is a Buddhist monk, one is a lesbian talk show host, and one owns her own TV network. But they all understand the power of love, of kindness, of giving, of caring.
So for those of you who are struggling with accepting gay people, or people of another faith, or people who struggle with addiction, or people who are rich, or people who are poor, or people whose current circumstances are simply different from yours in whatever way – the problem is you, not them. Stop praying for God to fix them, and fix yourself.
“If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change.”
darlenecharlesblog 